Okay…so you know that awkward moment where you make a New Years Resolution & don’t stick to it? Yup. That awkward moment is happening right now. Seven months has passed since I’ve posted anything. Not that anyone cares, or even reads my blog, but for me It’s just another example of how inconsistent I truly am in my life.
With that being said, I’ll continue on through my awkward moment. If you know me at all you know there should be a sign above my head that says “awkward girl approaching. Move aside.” However, that has nothing to do with this post. What has really taken up the past seven months is becoming pregnant!
My husband & I found out in February that I was pregnant. Which was awkward (gonna keep the theme going) because, well, we weren’t planning on that happening (I swear every time I think that, I hear God laughing out loud at me). I’m not going to lie, when I saw our little baby on the ultra sound screen It was like the scene out of the film Knocked Up, where Katherine Heigl’s character finds out she truly is pregnant. Except it was much more real & much more terrifying.
Since becoming pregnant I have gone through (what seems like) the seven stages of loss and grief. I’m at a point where I’m ready to share, unashamed, how becoming a mom has been the most depressing & amazing thing that has happened to me.
Here is how it all happened.
1. shock & denial. Can I emphasize the denial any louder? I was in such denial that I could have been persuaded that it IS only a river in Egypt. I was in denial because I didn’t want to accept the loss of life as I knew it. Or accept that my future will no longer just belong to me & my husband, and that our dreams may change, or be put off for a while. And I’m sure the shock happened just to protect myself (or my baby) from being so overwhelmed.
2. Pain & Guilt. As the shock wore off it became replaced with pain. Quite literal pain actually– morning sickness. All day though, not just in the mornings. Also I had horrible migraines & was constantly exhausted. Feeling this sick left little space for joy or excitement. I got depressed..very depressed. And then I felt guilty for being so depressed over this new life (my own & baby Bergum’s).
3. Anger & Bargaining. I was angry that I was pregnant. Yes I wanted kids– but not now. Yes I believe every life is precious & every child a wanted child– but couldn’t another women be given the gift of pregnancy at this time instead of me? I mean seriously, talk about unwelcome timing (again, I hear God laughing at me out loud). As for bargaining, I’m sure it went something like this, “dear God, if you allow me to eat this slice of pizza without throwing up, I promise I won’t be so ungrateful.” ..but God knew better & so the sickness continues.
4. Reflection, depression, loneliness. I did reflect a lot. How could I not? The weirdest thing about being pregnant was, during this time, feeling so utterly alone. I had my husband, who is more than supportive & loving– dare I say even excited about becoming a father. I have family who loved me & supported me. I have friends who encouraged me. I have a baby miraculously growing inside me. Yet, I felt alone. So I reflected on pregnancy & motherhood. I reflected on having lost my own mother. I reflected on the childhood I had, and the things I saw in my mom, things that I didn’t want to repeat myself as a mother.
5. The Upward Turn. And it was here that I realized it: I am not my mother. It was here where my fear lived. My mom was an amazing & loving mother, but she had deep scars that rolled onto me. Things that, until I became pregnant, I didn’t realize affected me so deeply. Things from her own childhood that she had never dealt with & therefore became a part of me. She was human, we all have scars & life circumstances that have hurt us– I don’t blame her. But I didn’t necessarily want to be her as a mother. And so it was with this realization that I knew that I would be okay. That motherhood would be shaped by my own personality & by my unique relationship with my child.
6. Reconstruction & working through. Becoming a parent means reconstructing your whole world. It means you no longer just live for yourself (duh..I know). But the reality of it is sometimes overwhelming. Becoming a mother for MY child means fighting some of the ways I was raised, even though they may come so naturally. It means being aware of who I am, or what outcome I want, at all times, something I’ll admit that I’ve been bad at putting into practice. It also means constructing baby furniture & sometimes wanting to just take a baseball bat to it– Office Space style.
7. Acceptance & Hope. This is where the slow clap can begin. Yes I’m happy to say I’ve reached this stage. I’m 8 months pregnant & I’m truly excited about the future. People say becoming a parent is the hardest & most rewarding thing in life. I believe them. However, I know that with God’s help, my husband & I will be amazing parents…until my kid is a teen, then we’ll be losers.
I say all this to make this one point: it’s okay to not be happy about the most beautiful & unexpected things in life. It’s okay to admit that I was not happy to be pregnant & that I was fearful. It makes the happiness I feel now that much more real. And being real & honest is so good– I hope I don’t ever shy away from looking at myself in the mirror & being honest.
Thank God for this crazy little thing called life. And God help us as we face the reality of parenthood ahead.