Time to get fucking real

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So i’m about to offend a lot of people. Maybe the majority of my FB “friends” but listen, every pregnant woman is allowed one major public rant so here’s mine: STOP BEING SO FAKE.

I left Facebook last summer due to the political “views” that were ruling the Facebook world, and due to needing to talk to someone I recently got a new FB account. I instantly regretted it, much like I regret the pop tart I just devoured. So who knows, maybe this is all a sugar high and once I come down i’ll instantly regret this post.

Facebook makes me angry, and it’s because I don’t see anyone being real. All the posts of these perfect-looking photos with the ridiculous filter, the selfies with the perfect grin & the zen colored background with your hipster hat, and flannel shirt (btw it’s summer outside…incase you were too hipster to notice) that’s posted along with a quote (stop pretending and just say that you wanted to post a selfie). Or the status about how “wild and crazy” life is, the status about  how thankful you are, how funny your kids are, or the overly saturated photo you posted of what you ate at brunch, or the whimsical post/photo about family and friends like you’re trying to be a millenial Dr. Seuss (and I get it…you like to garden).

Also, why do you feel the need to post 5-20 photos per day,  along with a running commentary every few hours? Yeah, your kid is cute, or you’re pregnant and need to let us know your bump is the size of a naval orange, but I really don’t need 20 photos of that filling up my newsfeed (well…i probably unfollowed you, but still). And what is it with people friend requesting people they haven’t talked to since 2006 or before? If you’re not a family member, if we haven’t talked in the past 10 years…in fact if we haven’t talked in the past YEAR..i’m probably fine with not being your “FB Friend” because, let’s be honest, we will probably never talk aside from “liking” each other’s posts. Not that i didn’t enjoy that one summer in high school we were in the same basketball league and we decided to sneak beer into our hotel room, or the time we never talked to each other in high school because you thought you were way cooler than me (you probably still are) but now you’ve decided to add another person to your FB friend list of 1k+ people. Also, you know that yoga pic you took on top of a mountain or that photo of you drinking green shit? Good for you, really, but  can you please stop showing off. I get it, you’re healthy &  zen enough that you can balance without falling off a cliff.

So do you all hate me now? Feel free to un-friend me, especially since we probably weren’t really friends to begin with. But here’s what my point is with all this: why can’t anyone just be fucking real? Not that your family isn’t beautiful, pregnancy isn’t a miracle, that meal your about to eat isn’t Instagram worthy, kombucha/green juice/yoga on mountains isn’t inspiring, or those hipster selfies you take aren’t lovely & all. But for ONCE I would just love to see a photo of someone’s kid screaming on the floor with a caption that reads “i’m crying too, i’m majorly messing up this parenting thing today”, or a pregnancy photo that says “pregnancy sucks and i’m really depressed about this whole thing”, or a status that says “i changed my profile pic to another selfie, but honestly, i’m just really needing some support &  affirmation right now”, or instead of that 100th “picture perfect photo” of you & your spouse a status that reads “marriage is shitty sometimes and i’m feeling really alone”. OR how about just putting our phones away all together? There’s a novel idea. Instead of another “whimsical” photo, why not just let your kid be fucking whimsical and magical without your phone all up in their face? Instead of another immaculate dinner photo how about just enjoying the dinner without trying to look like a National Geographic photographer on assignment? And you yoga/juice-loving/kombucha making people: how about just enjoying the soul awakening moments without posting anything on social media?

But i get it..did any of the above really ever happen if you didn’t post about it? Did a hipster really gain understanding in the woods if there’s not a picture of the tree & the clouds? Good question. Unless you’re regularly taking hallucinogenic drugs, i’m assuming it did. I’d love to hear about your life from YOU instead of from your social media pages. You know, so we could connect and talk like real people instead over a ridiculous social media page. But if you must post, I’m begging you, be REAL. Life is too short to be anything or anyone else. And for goodness sake, no more bathroom selfies.

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