In My Feelings…if Drake can sing about it, I can write about it.

Standard

WHY. THE. HELL can’t i commit to writing on this blog more than once a year/every pregnancy I have? God. I’m annoyed with myself right now and my own lack of follow through on something i truly enjoy(ed) doing, and was excited to being so many years ago. My last post was July 2017, and it was honest but not honest enough for me. Maybe I wasn’t able to be raw like i needed to be because it hurt too much at the time. Translation: my pregnancy was drenched in stress and heartbreak at the time. My daughter had been diagnosed in utero with neurological issues that, at that time, were daunting/exhausting/constant fear/all consuming/unknown (to some degree)/faith shaking. It is by the grace of God..no…not even grace, just purely God alone that pulled me out from that dark spot that was 2017.

If you’ve ever had a child who’s been diagnosed with a health issue, then you understand where i’m coming from. Also, PLEASE give me all the advice you have on self-care and how you function on your worst days. I’ve gotten better at not being “there” (in that dark cave of the unknown) as much as i used to be, but i’m still so lost some days that I all i can do as a parent is turn on the TV for the day, make frozen pizza for dinner, & pray that i’m not somehow traumatizing my children by my inability to put one foot in front of the other.

Thank GOD (i’ve been doing that so much lately, i’m sure God is even sick of hearing from me some days) that everything is working out as well as could be expected for my daughter. That beautiful, fierce soul is a one year old and her development is coming along beautifully. I read stories of others with her same issues and i sometimes cry myself to sleep praying for those children, but also thanking God from the pit of my soul that she is coming along so well.

Wow. Anyway, the gist of that is to say that i’ve been a fucking mess. I’ve written about my depression & my daughter on IG, but i just haven’t been ready to write it all out again on here. Most days it’s easier to just ignore the whole damn thing than try to express myself. Basically though, life is crazy right now. My family is moving from D.C. back to northern Minnesota where we were raised/where our families still live. I hate moving, but my husband and I feel this is what’s best for our girls, and also for me.

Dude, can i just be real? I’m burnt out SO BADLY. Like, I can’t even fully put that feeling into words. I love my children more than anything, but i feel so alone here in D.C., i feel like I carry the weight of my family’s well being, and I just can’t do it anymore. I need to be closer to family. I’ll be honest, my husband doesn’t want to move. He loves his job, he loves D.C., this is home for him. For me, living here has become heavy. That’s about the best way i can describe it. I have a career, plus i’m with the girls while my husband works, and like…folks…i’m on the verge of tears just typing this because everything is so raw…but there are some days i just can’t do this whole thing without my husband’s help, and he’s awesome, so don’t misunderstand me, but damn.

If there are any post-burnt out-parents out there, TALK TO ME. How did you survive? What helped? What did you do?  When will it get better? 

So yeah, we are moving our family to Minnesota in a month and that whole thing is exciting, because i know God has unique plans for us, but it’s also stressfull. I will keep you posted, or at least just keep writing on here to get all these thoughts out and, hopefully, this rambling blog post is relatable for someone else out there who’s feeling like they’re sinking: keep swimming. I hear it’s good for your knees.

 

Advertisements